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# 805:A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after
another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see
the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."
Added by: zero @21:55 05.01.2010 |
# 797:A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,
'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife 'So I just switched the heads.'
Added by: zero @22:04 02.01.2010 |
# 792:I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter, I can't understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was "I can't wait for the new 911"
However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me
Added by: zero @21:45 02.01.2010 |
# 790:3 ducks are flying over a pond, they are tired so decide to take a break from flying and go for a swim. When they start swimming they see a sign that says "No swimming allowed!", the ducks decide fuck that and continue to swim. After about 10 minutes the Police show up and arrest the 3 ducks. The ducks go to court to face the charges.
The first duck walk into the court room and the judge asks what is your name, the duck says "Quack", What were you doing in the pond asks the judge, the ducks says man, I was just blowing bubbles. The Judge orders him to pay a $10 fine and tells him he is free to go.
The second duck is called into the court and the judge asks what is your name, the duck says "Quack-Quack", What were you doing in the pond asks the judge, the ducks says man, I was just blowing bubbles. The Judge orders him to pay a $10 fine and tells him he is free to go.
The third duck is called into the court, and the Judge looks at him and says let me guess, your name is Quack-Quack-Quack, the duck looks at him and says no man, my name is Bubbles!
Added by: zero @21:42 02.01.2010 |
# 772:Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Added by: Urmas @18:50 14.04.2009 |
# 771:A teacher learns that Vovochka's grandfather met Chapayev during the Russian Civil War. She asks him to come to the class on the eve of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution and tell the kids about his memories. The old man reluctantly agrees. Kids meet him with excitement: "Say, gramps, did you see Chapayev with your own eyes?" / "Indeed I did. There I was, on the bank of the Ural river, a Maxim machine gun firmly in my hands. Suddenly I see someone swimming across the river! His Nobleness orders me, fire Ivan, fire! Well, kids, that was the last I ever saw of Chapayev!"
Added by: Urmas @14:31 17.02.2009 |
# 769:A Finn and a Swede were having an argument on who's mother tongue was the more beautiful of the two.
As they were unable to reach an agreement, they decided to ask an English linguist to act as a neutral expert judge on the matter.
The renown researcher asked both parties to translate the following verse by Percy Shelley to their respective languages:
Grassy island's bride.
The Finn answered first. His translation was:
Then came the Swede:
Hö ös mö
Added by: Urmas @17:01 04.02.2009 |
# 759:it only takes three commands to install Gentoo cfdisk /dev/hda && mkfs.xfs /dev/hda1 && mount /dev/hda1 /mnt/gentoo/ && chroot /mnt/gentoo/ && env-update && . /etc/profile && emerge sync && cd /usr/portage && scripts/bootsrap.sh && emerge system && emerge vim && vi /etc/fstab && emerge gentoo-dev-sources && cd /usr/src/linux && make menuconfig && make install modules_install && emerge gnome mozilla-firefox openoffice && emerge grub && cp /boot/grub/grub.conf.sample /boot/grub/grub.conf && vi /boot/grub/grub.conf && grub && init 6 that's the first one
Added by: Urmas @14:06 20.11.2008 |
# 755:''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer,
since these are the only products still produced in US."
Added by: Urmas @13:19 29.10.2008 |
# 736:A chap is chatting to his mate at work and tells him that the previous night he spotted a girl tied to the railway track.
"What did you do?", asked his mate.
"Well, I untied her, took her home and we had wild sex all night", he replied.
"Wow, was she pretty?", asked his mate.
"Don't know, never did find her head", he replied.
Added by: Stok @16:47 25.08.2008 |
# 726:I once was a depressed suicidal teenager, so I called one of those 1800 hotlines for depressed children. But that company began to outsource, so I got one of those Pakistan operators, asks me "What is the problem?"
I said "I'm depressed and suicidal," the man asks "Are u willing to drive a van?"
Added by: Stok @21:44 11.07.2008 |
# 724:What's an AutoCAD?
The instant response to a blue screen in Windows. (Auto Ctrl+Alt+Del)
Added by: Urmas @14:08 27.06.2008 |
# 720:Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse…… Your call.
Added by: Urmas @15:30 02.05.2008 |
# 719:An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in
charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of
supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is
untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and
says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman
replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left
th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him
either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off towards the pile
of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy leaps
out from behind the pile of sand and yells: "SUPPLIES!!"
Added by: Stok @15:29 02.05.2008 |
# 716:Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
Added by: Stok @18:37 09.04.2008 |
# 712:An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The
doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are
great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a
story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of
a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. "As
he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the
water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot
the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the
animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what
do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Added by: Stok @12:06 11.02.2008 |
# 689:A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
Added by: Stok @12:12 21.11.2007 |
# 681:Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe
Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.
Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate.
Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?
Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.
Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
Added by: Stok @14:59 04.09.2007 |
# 679:Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...
"Top o' the mornin to ye laddie".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
Added by: Stok @14:36 30.08.2007 |
# 678:Oh John please don't touch me at all...!
Oh John please don't touch me at...!
Oh John please don't touch...!
Oh John please don't...!
Oh John please...!
Added by: Urmas @20:09 23.08.2007 |
found a bug?