A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in! A normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response;

So he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?”

"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

Added by: Urmas @20:05 23.08.2007 |

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

Added by: Urmas @14:52 02.07.2007 |

A young man asks his granny:
Have you seen my pills, the ones I left on
the table? They were labeled "LSD"...
Granny says:
F*ck the pills, man...
Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?

Added by: Stok @15:13 05.06.2007 |

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $75,000 a year, depending
on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2
years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Added by: Urmas @09:50 07.02.2007 |

"A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
sexual proclivities

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's
breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly... "So...............you gonna
download new linux distro on Monday

Added by: Urmas @13:53 19.02.2006 |

In Year1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married (again)
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe (again)
3. Pope died (again)

In future, if Charles wishes to marry (again) and Liverpool needs another crown?
...God help the Pope!!!

Added by: N2ssu @16:35 26.10.2005 |

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'

'You must work in Information Technology' says the balloonist.

'I do' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'

The man below says, 'You must work in business.'

'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.'

Added by: Urmas @21:53 14.06.2005 |

Women's Types

INTERNET woman: Woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing
right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but
you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman: Everyone had her at least once, but no one
wants her anymore.

VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife"; when you are not
expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If
you
try to
uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try
to uninstall her you will lose everything.

SCREENSAVER woman: She is not worth for anything, but
at least she is fun!

RAM woman: She forgets everything you say when you
disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOR EVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look
beautiful.

USER woman: She fucks up everything she does and she
asks always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are
bullshit.

Added by: Urmas @16:02 27.05.2005 |

How to impress a man?

* Show up naked.
* Bring food.

Hot to impress a woman?

Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her.

Added by: Dazman @14:38 25.04.2005 |

galileo - great mind
einstein - genius mind
newton - extraordinary mind
Bush - brilliant mind
bill gates - never mind

Added by: Otherside @15:17 26.11.2004 |

So there's this Russian-Estonian guy from Tallinn who dies and goes to heaven.
He knocks at the gate and Martin Luther opens it.
"You sure you've come to the right place?" Luther asks.
"Sure I am," he says.
"But you're RUSSIAN-Estonian, aren't you?" asks Luther.
"Absolutely," the Russian-Estonian guy says.
"But this is Lutheran heaven," Martin Luther says. "For Estonian-Estonians. Russian Orthodox heaven is next door."
"You don't understand," says the Russian-Estonian. "The Lord God called me!"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says Luther, turning to call behind him: "Jesus - your taxi's here!"

Added by: Luc @09:08 17.11.2004 |

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, olny taht the frist and lsat ltteres
are at the rghit pcleas. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by
ilstef, but the wrod as a wlohe.


Added by: Urmas @09:17 15.09.2003 |

A fela nigga from da neibahut gous to Quinz hospital where his woman

just bore a child

- Wazzup, woman. Haya duin? Lemme see ma son.

She gave him the baby

- Wot?! Wo'za'fuck is this, woman? Y'aint gonna tell me this skuishy

yela smoll eye mazafaka is MA SON? Luk at him - Him Chinese, aint him?!

Ya woman crazy?

- Ya stuupid nigga, Lui. Evry fifz baby in da World is a CHINESE!!



Added by: Urmas @14:59 05.09.2003 |

When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.

Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.

Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Added by: Urmas @09:07 29.08.2003 |

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man,so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE

Added by: Urmas @10:17 01.08.2003 |

linux is like ia wigwam, no gates, no windows, apache inside

Added by: Urmas @10:39 30.07.2003 |

DADDY, WHY DID WE HAVE TO ATTACK IRAQ?


Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of
mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to
use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to
war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if
they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those
weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another
country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his
country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American
corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba
are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with
Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists
like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become
capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a
legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a
country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United
States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan
is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate
leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - Fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings,
killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands
off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off
people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in
public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her
eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes
and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis
are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very
bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We
call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our
invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the
French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we
looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically
an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war
is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked
Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells
him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.



Added by: Luinthoron @10:44 28.07.2003 |

A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi".

Added by: Ixu @16:29 14.02.2003 |

Norwegian Virus

> DEAR RECEIVER,
>
> You have just received a Norwegian virus. Since we are not so
> technologically advanced in Norway, this is a MANUAL virus. Please
> delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to
> everyone you know.
>
> Thank you very much for helping me.
>

Added by: Urmas @10:26 27.01.2003 |

DOS Upon A Midnight Dreary

by SpamWarrior

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
Then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

There I sat, distraught exhausted,
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
Oh no--my data base, I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."


Added by: Luinthoron @17:31 14.11.2002 |