2 blondes r walkin thru a forest wen dey c sum tracks, de 1st 1 says der fox tracks, de other 1 says der bear tracks. Dey argue 4 10 mins den get hit by a train

Added by: Mõtetumees @13:07 04.11.2002 |

Jamaican Joke

A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi".


Added by: Urmas @15:52 08.10.2002 |

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - the minute I find a better job, I'm
outta here




Added by: Urmas @09:17 02.10.2002 |

Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Added by: Urmas @08:15 30.07.2002 |

Why You Can't Find Your System Administrator -
He is taken away by the police after killing the last user who asked a stupid question


Added by: Urmas @12:12 29.07.2002 |

A man gets a call in the middle of the night.
"What?"
The voice on the line says, "Do you need a car?"
Grouchily he replies, "No" and hangs up.
The next day his car has been stolen.

Added by: Yang @22:01 03.07.2002 |

What do you want to patch today?

Added by: Urmas @14:09 17.06.2002 |

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the! G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 52 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Her on top.............................. 524 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 726 Calories
Donkey punch..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMIC:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years........................... . 1124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 1972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your spouse knocking at the door.... 5521 Calories


Added by: Urmas @12:17 03.05.2002 |

1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust "Fuck me."
7. Confusion "What the fuck...?"
8. Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair "Fucked again...."
10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"

Added by: Urmas @13:43 22.04.2002 |

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng

Added by: Urmas @09:45 05.04.2002 |

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just
remember... it's a secret...Woman-to-woman!"


Added by: Sanrais @20:03 15.02.2002 |

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well,for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president
complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."



Added by: Sanrais @18:44 15.02.2002 |

4 Important Lessons

Lesson Number One
*****************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the
crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below
the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
*****************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of
the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

Lesson Number Three
*******************
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain
said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and
functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry
the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We
should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the
money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes
until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the
asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and
refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the
brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the
Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while
the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four
******************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came
to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!


Added by: Sanrais @08:58 15.02.2002 |

C POEM FROM HUMOR ECHO

A C Man's Lament
----------------

/*

The problem I find when I'm looking at lines
Of programs all written in C
Is that the syntax and grammar resemble the stammer
Of a dyslexic demoralized bee.

I'll bet any man here (I'll wager a beer)
Can't guess how to copy a string.
The mess is dramatic, all [ "open square bracket"
. & _ ! "dot, ampersand, underscore, pling!"

Pointers collected, and thrice indirected,
Collated in structs and compiled,
When traced by debugger can make coders shudder,
And conditionals drive a man wild.

I don't wish to seem bitchy, but if only old Ritchie
Had been strangled a birth by a Nurse;
And the fate that I've planned for all Kernighan's clan
Is unprintably several times worse.

I find that the pain begins with the main(),
The only way out is to hack it.
The one bit of syntax that keeps my mind intact
Is the very last } "close curly bracket"

I hope that this ode is clearer that code
I write in that monstrosity.
You might think that Pascal's a bit of a rascal,
But the ultimate b*d is C. "b*d --> b-a star-d"
"bastard"

My program is calling (in structure appalling),
I must finish my poetic plea.
But, let's all face it, use Forth, LISP or BASIC,
Whatever you do, don't use C.

*/

(Translator's guide to pronunciation:

[ = open square bracket
. = dot
& = ampersand

_ = underscore
! = pling
} = close curly bracket
* = a star)



Added by: Urmas @09:22 03.12.2001 |

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: . Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: . Makes it's presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: . Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later; in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: . You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: . Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: . All files reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: . This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: . Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: . Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: . Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: . Thier is sumthing rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: . Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: . Probably harmless, but it makes a lot people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: . Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Also has potential to take more and more control of your computer as it increases infighting among units.

GALLUP VIRUS: . 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data > 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: . Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: . Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: . The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: . You're in Detroit, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: . Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: . Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: . Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: . Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS: . Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: . Your program can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: . Helps your computer shut down and claims that it is an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: . Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: . Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: . It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

O.J. SIMPSON II VIRUS: . Claims it wouldn't have and couldn't have, but vows to find the real virus.

..

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work properly again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by floppy.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won`t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It`ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it`s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn`t allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and fast food joints across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for \$4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don`t send it a million dollars, it`s programmer will take it back.


Added by: Urmas @09:22 03.12.2001 |