A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

Added by: N2ssu @21:15 02.10.2011 |

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

Added by: N2ssu @19:09 21.09.2011 | | arst

If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome... Then why is Handsome still a compliment?

Added by: Urmas @09:41 12.09.2011 |

Everybody loves MitM jokes. Well, everybody except Alice and Bob that is.

Added by: Urmas @21:06 07.06.2011 |

A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support ,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applica...tions , which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0 , MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed..

REPLY
DEAR Madam ,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update . If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5...
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT in any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!

Added by: N2ssu @13:49 08.02.2011 |

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I wan...t his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Added by: N2ssu @09:43 26.01.2011 |

A rich blonde girl, was walking by the river in the wild. Suddenly, she saw a crocodile. She screamed, "OH MY GOD! HELP! LACOSTE!"

Added by: N2ssu @19:15 24.04.2010 |

"Last time I came home, I was so drunk my own children didn’t recognize me."
"What happened after you sobered up?"
"Well, once I was sober enough, I realized I was in the wrong house."

Added by: disenc @16:22 18.04.2010 |

Britain: WTF Iceland?!? Why did you send us volcanic ash? Our airspace has shut down.
Iceland: What? It's what you asked for, isn't it?
Britain: NO! Cash! Cash you dyslexic fuck. CASH! not ASH!
Iceland: Woooops...

Added by: Dazman @10:32 17.04.2010 |

.. Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

.. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, F@&k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

.. Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

.. A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

.. Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

.. An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Added by: Urmas @11:55 08.03.2010 |

SENIOR MOMENT:
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Added by: Urmas @15:35 01.02.2010 |

A survey recently revealed that most women want a man who's handsome, has broad shoulders, ripped pecs, a flat stomach, and a nice arse.

However, a simultaneous survey revealed that almost all of the men matching those criteria also want a man who's handsome, has broad shoulders, ripped pecs, a flat stomach, and a nice arse.

Added by: zero @12:03 22.01.2010 |

Next time a Jehovah Witness comes knocking on your door, tell them you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back.
When they explain that they cannot give out their home number, you say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
They will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel! now Fuck off".

Added by: Koffer @04:36 12.01.2010 |

The event made headlines news in the local paper.
"Man of 80 marries Girl of 21."
The couple held a press conference after their honeymoon.
"How often do you have sex?" shouted the Journalists.
"Nearly every night!" replied the man.
"Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, Wednesday..."

Added by: Koffer @04:32 12.01.2010 |

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Added by: Koffer @04:31 12.01.2010 |

A guy takes his wife to the Doctor.

The Doc says, "well, she either has Alzheimer's disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" the guy says. "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what: drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car and, if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

Added by: Koffer @04:29 12.01.2010 |

If you think your girlfriend is about to break up with you, beg her for one last blowjob.

Just before, put some super-glue on your dick.

Added by: Koffer @04:23 12.01.2010 |

When it comes to driving, anybody going slower than me is an idiot, and anyone going faster than me is a cunt.

Added by: Koffer @04:22 12.01.2010 |

A survey recently revealed that most women want a man who's handsome, has broad shoulders, ripped pecs, a flat stomach, and a nice arse.

However, a simultaneous survey revealed that almost all of the men matching those criteria also want a man who's handsome, has broad shoulders, ripped pecs, a flat stomach, and a nice arse.

Added by: Koffer @04:20 12.01.2010 |

Once in a gun shop in Texas, a man enters the shop.
"Hello, what can I do for you?"
"I'd like to buy a gun, please."
"Sure. But what for?"
"Just going to shoot some cans for my entertainment."
"Alright, how about this .28 caliber one?"
"Nah, I'd take that .32 caliber one."
"Jesus christ, what kind of cans are you going to shoot?"
"Ah, every kind. MexiCANS, afroameriCANS, puerto-riCANS..."

Added by: zero @15:17 09.01.2010 |