Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.

Added by: Urmas @08:15 30.07.2002 |

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - the minute I find a better job, I'm
outta here




Added by: Urmas @09:17 02.10.2002 |

Norwegian Virus

> DEAR RECEIVER,
>
> You have just received a Norwegian virus. Since we are not so
> technologically advanced in Norway, this is a MANUAL virus. Please
> delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this mail to
> everyone you know.
>
> Thank you very much for helping me.
>

Added by: Urmas @10:26 27.01.2003 |

DADDY, WHY DID WE HAVE TO ATTACK IRAQ?


Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?

A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.

Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?

A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of
mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.

Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to
use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to
war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if
they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those
weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?

A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another
country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his
country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.

Q: Kind of like what they do in China?

A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American
corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?

A: Right.

Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?

A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?

A: I told you, China is different.

Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?

A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while
China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?

A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.

Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?

A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba
are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?

A: Exactly.

Q: And like in China, too?

A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?

A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with
Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists
like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become
capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.

Q: I didn't think I was being one.

A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?

A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a
legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?

A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a
country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United
States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan
is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.

Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate
leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?

A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.

Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?

A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - Fifteen of them Saudi
Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings,
killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?

A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
rule of the Taliban.

Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
back in May of 2001?

A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?

A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?

A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
would have their hands and heads cut off.

Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands
off for other reasons?

A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off
people's hands for stealing bread.

Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in
public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?

A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest
yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her
eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes
and fingers.

Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis
are our friends.

Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th
were from Saudi Arabia.

A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.

Q: Who trained them?

A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.

Q: Was he from Afghanistan?

A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very
bad man.

Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.

A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet
invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.

Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
Reagan talked about?

A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We
call them Russians now.

Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?

A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our
invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the
French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?

A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.

Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.

Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?

A: Well, yeah. For a while.

Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?

A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
our friend, temporarily.

Q: Why did that make him our friend?

A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.

Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?

A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we
looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.

Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
becomes our friend?

A: Most of the time, yes.

Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically
an enemy?

A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
better.

Q: Why?

A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war
is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked
Iraq?

Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?

A: Yes.

Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?

A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells
him what to do.

Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?

A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.



Added by: Luinthoron @10:44 28.07.2003 |

linux is like ia wigwam, no gates, no windows, apache inside

Added by: Urmas @10:39 30.07.2003 |

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man,so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE.
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE

Added by: Urmas @10:17 01.08.2003 |

Women's Types

INTERNET woman: Woman of difficult access.

SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.

WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing
right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but
you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
D.O.S woman: Everyone had her at least once, but no one
wants her anymore.

VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife"; when you are not
expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If
you
try to
uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try
to uninstall her you will lose everything.

SCREENSAVER woman: She is not worth for anything, but
at least she is fun!

RAM woman: She forgets everything you say when you
disconnect her.

HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOR EVER.

MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look
beautiful.

USER woman: She fucks up everything she does and she
asks always more than she needs.

CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are
bullshit.

Added by: Urmas @16:02 27.05.2005 |

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'

'You must work in Information Technology' says the balloonist.

'I do' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'

The man below says, 'You must work in business.'

'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.'

Added by: Urmas @21:53 14.06.2005 |

"A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and
sexual proclivities

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favourite fast foods, guns, and women's
breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly... "So...............you gonna
download new linux distro on Monday

Added by: Urmas @13:53 19.02.2006 |

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

"Top o' the mornin to ye laddie".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Added by: Stok @14:36 30.08.2007 |

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe

Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate.

Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?

Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Added by: Stok @14:59 04.09.2007 |

Everybody loves MitM jokes. Well, everybody except Alice and Bob that is.

Added by: Urmas @21:06 07.06.2011 |

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just
remember... it's a secret...Woman-to-woman!"


Added by: Sanrais @20:03 15.02.2002 |

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says,
'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife 'So I just switched the heads.'

Added by: zero @22:04 02.01.2010 |

What's an AutoCAD?

The instant response to a blue screen in Windows. (Auto Ctrl+Alt+Del)

Added by: Urmas @14:08 27.06.2008 |

''The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the
American economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer,
since these are the only products still produced in US."


Added by: Urmas @13:19 29.10.2008 |

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: . Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: . Makes it's presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: . Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later; in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: . You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: . Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: . All files reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: . This virus doesn't horse around, warns you of impending attack. Once if by LAN, twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: . Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: . Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: . Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: . Thier is sumthing rong with yur koputer, but ewe cant figyur outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: . Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: . Probably harmless, but it makes a lot people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: . Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing; but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Also has potential to take more and more control of your computer as it increases infighting among units.

GALLUP VIRUS: . 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data > 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: . Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: . Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: . The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: . You're in Detroit, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: . Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: . Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: . Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: . Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS: . Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: . Your program can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: . Helps your computer shut down and claims that it is an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: . Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: . Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.00.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: . It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs...No New Files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

O.J. SIMPSON II VIRUS: . Claims it wouldn't have and couldn't have, but vows to find the real virus.

..

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work properly again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you`re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by floppy.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won`t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It`ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it`s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn`t allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You`re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and fast food joints across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for \$4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs....No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don`t send it a million dollars, it`s programmer will take it back.


Added by: Urmas @09:22 03.12.2001 |

DOS Upon A Midnight Dreary

by SpamWarrior

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
Then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

There I sat, distraught exhausted,
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
Oh no--my data base, I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."


Added by: Luinthoron @17:31 14.11.2002 |

A bus stops and two Jamaican men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come
together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine", retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi".

Added by: Ixu @16:29 14.02.2003 |

So there's this Russian-Estonian guy from Tallinn who dies and goes to heaven.
He knocks at the gate and Martin Luther opens it.
"You sure you've come to the right place?" Luther asks.
"Sure I am," he says.
"But you're RUSSIAN-Estonian, aren't you?" asks Luther.
"Absolutely," the Russian-Estonian guy says.
"But this is Lutheran heaven," Martin Luther says. "For Estonian-Estonians. Russian Orthodox heaven is next door."
"You don't understand," says the Russian-Estonian. "The Lord God called me!"
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," says Luther, turning to call behind him: "Jesus - your taxi's here!"

Added by: Luc @09:08 17.11.2004 |